This was a bad date.

Quick background: I'm recently divorced, which has put me back into the dating scene.

Now, I'm good at some things, like playing softball, making brownies, traveling, spelling... just to name a few. One thing I'm admittedly not very good at? Dating. And since it had been a while since I'd been "out there," I thought it might be a good idea to jump on an online dating site.

I'm soooooooo over that idea.

Now, I'm really not that cynical about dating. I mean, meeting people is fun, dates can be great, but when you get into a bad date? Oh, it can be brutal. And icky. And this date definitely ranks right up there as one of the ickiest.

- Andrew was out for dinner with a friend prior to meeting me for a drink. He was supposed to pick me up at 8:30. He called at 8:10 to tell me that he was going to be late. An hour later, he called to tell me he was lost. This is not a good start, but totally okay... I mean, these things happen, and heaven knows I'm hardly the queen of punctuality, so I let this go (kind of).

- Against all my usual first date rules, I allowed Andrew to pick me up instead of meeting him at the location. Andrew picked me up at my place, opened the door, and immediately, I see that he looks NOTHING like the picture. (For those of you who aren't familiar with the online dating world: this is a BIG faux pas. Huge. And I'm no Aphrodite myself, but come on. At least post a current picture of yourself.) I kinda wanted to ask where the guy in the photo was, but I thought that might be rude. Believe me, his photo is muuuuuuuuuuuuuch better than the real-life version. I want to hire this guy at my agency as a photoshop expert because... WOW. Talk about doctoring photos.

- When we arrived at the wine bar, he took off his coat (the JCrew Barn Jacket Circa 1990) to reveal what had to be the ugliest sweater I have ever seen in my life. The last time I saw a sweater like that I think I was watching The Cosby Show... the first season. Oh, and did I mention the too-tight Levis floods, white socks and black shoes? NICE.

- Ohhhh, but I'm not done with the wardrobe. There was a big gold medallion around his neck. No, not a gold chain. Not just a small charm. A FRIGGIN' MEDALLION. Are you a Goodfella? If not, will you please give back Liberace's jewelry?

- He wanted dessert, and when it arrived, I was lucky enough to discover that he smacks when he eats. 'Nuff said.

Now I will move onto the conversation portion of the show... these are pretty much exact quotes as I remember them....

His quote:
"I work out twice a day. I was a state champion in track, where I ran the mile and some relays. I'm really fast and it's important to maintain that speed."

My thought:
Oh, absolutely. I mean, you're 42 years old, and in the business world, we're often called upon to run sprints for our performance reviews, client presentations and to close deals. Plus, you never know when you might need to SPRINT TO THE STORE TO BUY AN UGLY SWEATER.

His quote:
"At this age, if you haven't been married or at least engaged, I have to immediately think that something is wrong with you."

My thought:
Oh, I didn't realize your name was Judgmental Asshole.

His quote:
"I work about 110 hours per week, and I travel a lot, so if you want to get together with me, you should really take advantage of schedule openings when I tell you that I have them. Otherwise, you'll miss out on me."

My thought:
Oh, I get it. This relationship would be all about catering to you. Oh, and FYI, I wouldn't call that "missing out." I would call that "lucky to have dodged a bullet."

Don't even get me started with the fact that I caught this guy staring at my chest no fewer than 5 times during the 1.5 hours I was with him (oh, and I was wearing a TURTLENECK).

I could go on, but you get the idea. As a result of this date, I have not been on any other dates. Why? Because I have declared a moratorium on spending my personal time with total wankers.

I will never forgive myself for not marrying Matt Ferrari when he asked me to be his wife in the first grade.